Prozac saved my life

In my early thirties I came to a big road block in my life. It was like I was moving along fine and then danger signs, lights flashing, loud horns blasting at me, alerting me  to turn back. It was like I came to the end of the road and I was going to fall off the cliff into nothingness, a dark hole of despair filled with anxiety, and panic. Mental illness. I have felt the same way recently in regards to my marriage. The two go hand in hand. My marriage and my anxiety disorder. There are a lot of similarities in my experience with both issues. Thinking back on my road to recovery from dealing with a mental illness, those two words still make me cringe a bit as does cheating spouse, I overcame that terrible part of my life. I did it on my own. I can recover from a spouse that cheated. I can go on living. I can overcome!

All my life I have been a nervous, worried person. Not all the time, but appropriate times. Examples, going to the dentist, doctor, a first date, standing in line for roller coasters, thinking about sky diving. All normal things to get butterflies in your stomach. For me it would be a little more extreme nausea and diarrhea might disrupt my day a bit, but nothing abnormal.

When I was a child I would annoy my parents to no end. I was a ‘What If’ kind of kid. I was always thinking or adding certain doom to situations. It would drive my parents crazy. I kept worrying and ‘What If-ing’ about stuff they thought was unimportant. I wasn’t trying to annoy them, it was a warning sign. A precursor to me having horrible anxiety problems in the future. It wasn’t addressed back then, I guess. In the late 70’s and early 80’s kids didn’t have anxiety. They just needed to go out and play.

So, I lived my life. I grew up. I learned to hide my fears and neurotic ways from others. I went years without even feeling anxious.

Then, I turned 30 and things went wrong.

The first time I had a panic attack I was at a grocery store. I decided to go one evening to grab a few things. I didn’t have a list made out. Just a quick trip. I was almost done with my shopping when it happened. I was looking at the peanut butter and jelly like any normal mom would be doing. Thinking to myself Skippy or Jiff? Crunchy or smooth? All of a sudden, I thought I was going to die. My heart raced, it was beating so hard and violently I thought it would come out of my chest. I felt like I could not breathe. I had to bend down and rest my knees on the ground because I thought I was going to faint, I started having tunnel vision. What if I died in the peanut butter aisle?! I found a way to stand and make it to check out. The whole time my heart raced and I could barely breathe. No small talk today. The bagger could not bag those groceries fast enough. I walked outside and the wonderful outside air helped a bit. I don’t remember the drive home, at all. I do remember getting home and running out of my car straight to my bed and  started crying. My husband came in and was shocked at my current state. He said, “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”  I could barely speak. I remember telling him that I could not unload the groceries, I could not get out of bed. I spent the night curled up in a ball and fell asleep in my clothes. When I woke up I told him what I experienced and he said it was an anxiety attack, he has had them too, no big deal, just get over it.

I had another bad one during a haircut. It came on so suddenly, this time as the girl was talking to me I could not hear her. My hearing went away for a few seconds, my heart beat out of control, I could not breathe. The cape was too tight around my neck, I demanded she take it off. I tried to hide what was happening. Just finish cutting my hair!! I ran out of there with wet, un even hair.

For about 2 years these attacks came on suddenly off and on. Sometimes months would go by. Sometimes it would be a matter of days. None were ever as bad as that first one, though.

I went to see a doctor. I was convinced I was dying. My doctor was not in that day so I saw someone else. I felt like I spoke too fast and made no sense. I felt like she thought I was crazy. I told her that my heart was not working right. She sent me to cardiology. I wore a heart monitor for 2 weeks. An event recorder. My heart was fine. But I still was not.

More months went by. I had another episode while working. All the same feelings as before, but this time I felt like I was choking. I would cough so violently that I thought I would vomit. It felt like something was stuck in my throat. I felt like passing out. A wave of doom and gloom swept over me and I thought I would faint, right there at my desk. I left work that day and went straight to my Doctor. The most wonderful man in the world in my opinion. The minute he walked in and asked me why I was there I rambled on for about 20 minutes barely taking a breath between words. One long 20 minute sentence. He listened. I will always appreciate that about him. I told him I was dying, that I had cancer, that I wanted every blood test imaginable to find out why I felt this way. I wanted to know why so I could fix it immediately! He was so patient and kind with me. He told me he will test me for everything, but he really thought, 100 percent, it was anxiety. I was confused. Anxiety comes with stress or traumatic events in life. Right? I had none of those. My life was great back then. I was on top of the world! He explained that anxiety lies below the surface for everyone and comes out when needed as for fight or flight. Without it we would die. Sometimes for unknown reasons a person’s brain malfunctions and it just comes on out of the blue. There was no definitive answer as to why it was happening to me. I hated this. I needed to know why. He offered me Prozac and my jaw hit the floor. That is for crazy people! I don’t want medicine. He asked me if I wanted a better quality of life? Of course I did! When I got home that evening I remember sitting down in my bedroom to take off my tennis shoes. I never even wear sneakers why I was that day is a mystery. I untied one shoe and then came to the other and to my surprise it was not the same shoe!! I had been wearing two different shoes all day! This at first made me laugh which quickly turned to tears. I was a crazy person.

I started taking Prozac. I started seeing a psychiatrist. I told her about my experiences and that I could no longer go to a grocery store by myself or have my haircut. Those two places had bad associations to me. I feared another anxiety attack would happen in those bad horrible places so I stayed away.

She told me I had generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and a touch of OCD.

The Prozac made me feel worse for about 3 weeks. All the anxiety and panic were amplified. The Dr warned me of this. Most people don’t keep taking it, they give up. Well, I am not a quitter. It made me feel awful, but after a month I felt wonderful. The fog of hope and despair lifted and I felt normal again. I took it for 2 years and then stopped. Six years without it now and I can manage on my own. I still feel times where I feel the anxiety and panic creeping up. I know how to handle it now. I embrace those feelings and talk my way through it. It took a lot of years of research and therapy, but I got there.

I have been waiting for it all to hit me again. The anxiety and panic. My husband cheating on me is a traumatic event. I am surprised that it hasn’t yet. Now I have a new friend called depression. Maybe she doesn’t want to share me with anyone else right now.

I had to write this for myself to make me realize a few things. I want to know why my husband cheated. I will never be able to figure that out, though. I never found out why I was having anxiety attacks. But, I did find out how to live without knowing the reasons behind it. I learned how to deal with it and I will learn how to deal with his actions as well.

I have control over myself and that is what will always be important! In time I will heal.